Shake it, Cali

...This is why I picked Cali over Florida for Memorial Day. Seriously - can it just be May 27th already???



...I actually like the Florida beaches better. I think the water is prettier there, to be honest. But wow. Check out the view from the cliffs.
I.Can.Not.Wait.

Tha Crew

Let me introduce you to the people who I spend the majority of my time with these days. They make me happy.

This is Kenna and Megan. Kenna lives across the street from me. We consume more coffee than anybody else in the world. And we laugh so much. Could be from all the caffeine. It's whatever :) Kenna is my person. She's the one that I talk to about everything. Everything. And she never judges, no matter what. It's hard to find people like that. I'm thankful for her.
Megan, is maybe the craziest person I've ever known. We butt heads at times, because we're both way too head strong. But we always end up hugging it out and laughing. She's so much fun. She makes me laugh and keeps me out way too late :) I love that girl.




And this is Kenna and Mindy. You've met Kenna. Now meet Mindy. Mindy is the person whose life is most like mine. It's bizarre, how similar our experiences have been. We get each other. We have heart to heart talks, no defenses up. I love all these girls.




This is Damon - a.k.a. "DHall"
This guy has my heart. We have been through it. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our growing pains. We've struggled at times. We've broken up at times. But through it all, we've always, always been there for each other. He always has my back.


...he's silly. He makes me laugh. But he's also one of the most real people I've ever known. He has a genuine heart. And he's HOT with a mustache, yes? Haha :)


...and these are the boys of the group. JohnBoy (Kenna's husband), DHall and Crazy Ryan. I love them all. And I feel so lucky to be surrounded by all of these people.


I am, indeed, a lucky girl.

Two Short Years

Wow. So yesterday was the two year anniversary of my divorce.
It's so hard to believe that it's been two years.
So hard to believe that time can fly that quickly.
Here I sit, two years later - driving the same car, working the same job, living in the same house, as I did two years ago.
And yet everything's so different.

I don't even know the person that I was then. I was the girl who put on a happy face for the world and was dying on the inside. You wouldn't have known it. You would have just seen the smile. But I knew it. And I felt like such a fraud then.

I'm not sorry that I married him. We grew up together essentially. I was 19 when I met him. I was 29 when I divorced him. He taught me how to be strong. How to be tough. How to roll with the punches that life throws at you. How to love. How to hate. And finally, how to let go.

Don't get me wrong - he's not a bad person. It's just the combination of US that was bad. I brought out the worst in him more often than I brought out the best. I wasn't faultless in that. I can be so frustrating at times. I know that.

There are times that I wonder how he's doing. Hoping that he's found true happiness. Hoping that he's doing well. Hoping that he can, at some point, forgive me for my fault in our problems. And hoping that he knows that I've forgiven him.

It is amazing. Time really does heal all wounds, doesn't it?

Confirmed

...so I took Amy and Kenna's advice and decided on the West Coast for Memorial Day Weekend.
Trip booked - check!
Next stop - Hilton Torrey Pines, overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
Yes, please!

Time Capsule

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. This happens very rarely for me, so I must blog about it.
I was sitting at Boondoggles with my people (yes, I have people), and we were talking about making a time capsule.
Each of the girls in the group - Kenna, Mindy, Megan and I - would write down predictions for each other's lives in one year. We plan to keep our predictions to ourselves (which will never happen, because we're all blabbermouths), and in one year we will dig up the time capsule and see where our lives actually are in comparison to where our friends thought our lives would be.
Kind of an interesting idea.
This led me to wonder where my life will be in one year. I don't often think that far in advance, you see. I'm usually running so fast to get everywhere that I need to go, that I don't have time to stop and think about things like that. It's go, go, go these days. Constantly running. But since I'm quite certain that I have the Adult A.D.D. - this works for me. I like constantly running.
So back to what I was saying - my moment of clarity: For the first time in a long time, I feel happy. I feel settled. I feel comfortable in my skin (despite my recent weight gain).
And while I'm ok with giving predictions about everyone else's lives, I don't want to give one for myself. Because it's so nice to just live in the moment. To be in a relationship with the person that I love so much. To be surrounded by friends who accept the good and the bad parts of me and love me no matter what. To play softball on teams where we have nothing but fun. To have a family nearby who may not understand me at all times, but who is always, always supportive no matter what. To have a job where I'm surrounded by co-workers that I laugh with so much.
I don't always take the easy route to get where I'm going, and the last few years have been filled with unexpected twists and turns. But in this moment, I am happy.
And that's enough for me.
And that feels good.

East v West

It's my favorite time of the year!!! Spring time!!!!
I was sitting with Damon a few days ago, discussing the fact that I haven't been on an actual vacation since my divorce trip to Europe con Lisa.
That's right - I rewarded myself for successfully making 7 years of marriage, by divorcing the fool and rockin' out Europe with my BFF from college.
Sounds mean, yes. But if you knew anything about the tumultuous relationship that I had with my ex, you'd understand. Don't judge me.
And at the end of that conversation, we decided that we'd at least take a quick trip over Memorial Day weekend to either Southern California or Southern Florida.
So - to East Coast or West Coast? That is the question.

True

My friend Kenna recently posted this on facebook: "Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different."

Truer words have never been spoken.

A graduation here, a wedding there. A job, a move, a promotion, another move, a divorce, an engagement, a breakup, new people, and ten years later, you don't even remember who you were.

Life is so weird. Ever-changing. Always entertaining. Sometimes disappointing. Usually surprising. Makes me wonder where the next ten years will lead me...

Currently on my radar: Waiting to hear back about this leadership development program that I applied for. Rumor is that the list will be released soon. Fingers crossed!!!!

Confessional

I'm a horrible, horrible blogger.
Even when I say I'm going to blog more, I still don't do it.
My confession is this: I've been cheating on Blogger with Facebook.
That's right, I'm a cheater.
It's just that Facebook is younger. It has nice features. It's exciting. It gives me what I need.
Is that so wrong??

Oh my gosh. I traded blogger in for the newer model, didn't I?
I have no loyalties, evidently.
Blogger and I have a history. It's allowed me to vent and to tell my anecdotal stories for over 6 years now. It's been there for me since before Facebook was even in the picture. Through thick and thin, blogger has been. It waits patiently for me, even when I'm absent for months. It's never judged me. It even stuck by me when I went through my short-lived Myspace phase. Decorating and blinging up my site for months, all the while ignoring the outlet that was truly there for me.
And at the first sign of writer's fatigue, I bailed.
I am a social media cheat.
And I deserve to be banned from this blog.

Getting There...

It really does get easier with each passing day.
I forget that each time.
But with each day, you hurt less.
And with each day, you heal more.
And you start to remember what it means to do whatever you want to do.
Life is surprising.
I'm getting there...

Walk Away

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go."
-Kenny Chesney

I had to let him go. I had to walk away. Because there is no way I would be happy in a relationship where bars and drinking are the sole, central focus. I enjoy going out, so don't get me wrong. But there's so much more to life than just going to the bar all the time.
Drinking 5-6 days a week.
Going on 12 hour drinking binges, consistently, and then driving home.
It doesn't work for me.
It was never going to work for me.
It's not the lifestyle that I want. It won't make me happy.
He had a choice. He picked the bar over and over again. He was always going to do that.

I made the right choice, fighting for what I know I'm going to need to be happy in the longrun. So why does it hurt this much?