A Letter to Alli

Dear Puppy:

Thanks for all the cute things you do. Your puppy breath is funny, the fact that you fall over when you walk is adorable, your excitement is contagious. While I wouldn't trade you for the world, there are some important matters that we need to straighten out:

1) My house is not your toilet. Neither is my car. Please take note of this ever-so-important fact.

2) You only get a treat if you potty outside. Please do not shit on the floor and waddle to the pantry expectantly. You don't get a treat for that.

3) My Body By Victoria bra is not your chew toy. Neither are my shoes, my clothes or my hairbrush. Taking these items and parading them around the house is not acceptable. Commit that to memory, puppy.

4) Bedtime is not a time to cry and yelp and bark and make yourself so sick that you do your little puppy gag thingy. It will not get you out of your kennel. Go. To. Sleep.

5) When licking my face, please be careful not to bite my nose. Your teeth are like cute - but very real - knives; When you bite my nose, it hurts and makes my eyes water. That's not nearly as fun for me as it is for you.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation on these matters.