Getting There...

It really does get easier with each passing day.
I forget that each time.
But with each day, you hurt less.
And with each day, you heal more.
And you start to remember what it means to do whatever you want to do.
Life is surprising.
I'm getting there...

Walk Away

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go."
-Kenny Chesney

I had to let him go. I had to walk away. Because there is no way I would be happy in a relationship where bars and drinking are the sole, central focus. I enjoy going out, so don't get me wrong. But there's so much more to life than just going to the bar all the time.
Drinking 5-6 days a week.
Going on 12 hour drinking binges, consistently, and then driving home.
It doesn't work for me.
It was never going to work for me.
It's not the lifestyle that I want. It won't make me happy.
He had a choice. He picked the bar over and over again. He was always going to do that.

I made the right choice, fighting for what I know I'm going to need to be happy in the longrun. So why does it hurt this much?

"Tha-tha-tha-that That Don't Kill You, Can Only Make You Stronger..."

So I just ended another relationship. Does this dating stuff ever get better?
I have to say, I thought this guy would be "the one" - he was so much of everything I've ever wanted. He's cute, sweet, smart, funny. We have common interests. We were friends for awhile and knew each other really well before we dated. We knew, or thought we knew, what we were getting in to.
But I guess you never truly know what you're going to get until you dive in and try it, huh? And I'll never regret having dated him. I definitely would have regretted it much more if we had never given it a try. Without a doubt. So at least there's a sense of peace that comes with that.
But I do this thing where my life tends to blend in more with the person I'm dating than their life blends in with mine. I hate that about myself. So all of a sudden, we start dating and I'm spending my life at the softball field. Seriously, four nights a week. Mostly watching him play softball. And then I'm spending so much time with his friends, who I happen to love, so maybe that part is not something to regret. But I'm also spending way too much time at the bar with his friends. And this bothers me. Truly, truly bothers me.
I'm all of a sudden at home a lot by myself while he goes out with his friends. And plans that we had together to hang out with my friends start to become secondary to him when his friends call and ask him to do something.
I should have seen this coming.
I was never a true priority to him. Or if I was, he had a really weird way of showing it.
Before we actually dated, he spent months telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me, and then when we finally gave it a try, it turned out to all be bullshit.
And part of me is angry. Partially at him for not being what he said he would be, and partially at myself for not being stronger. For allowing this to happen over and over again. You only get walked on if you let people walk on you. Noted.
It's time to be alone for awhile, I think. Mostly because I'm not sure I can handle much more of this. I need to be more cautious with my heart...I need to be more sure of the people I give my heart to in the future. But also because I think it's time to just do me for awhile. To do what I want, when I want. Without having to think about how it affects someone else. I've never done that in my adult life.
No more of this shit.
I've had enough.

Winds of Change

Wow. It's been a really long time since I blogged.
I don't know what it is about writing stuff down that's been tough for me lately. Maybe it's because for me, it isn't real until I write it.
And for me, life has been unsettled for a really long time.
Maybe that's it.
Bouncing from relationship to relationship. Taking crap from people that I shouldn't be taking. Making excuses for people that I shouldn't be making. Not knowing really who I am or what I stand for anymore. Not taking into account what I need or deserve. Getting less than I should from people.
I'm not a liar. I will not sit and intentionally write things that aren't true. I will not try to make my life seem better than it is. And writing this stuff down means that I have to face the reality of the life that I've been living.
Yep, maybe that's it.
I feel like it's time to change this. All of it.
For a long time, this blog has been devoted to silly, anecdotal stories about things that I encounter randomly.
And maybe it's time to make it more about me. Maybe even a tool to help me get where I need to be.
No guard up. No edit button. No defenses.
Yep, maybe it's time.