So Many Things Going On...

Wow - it's been a big week.
Since I last wrote, several things have come up:
One being that there's a chance for me to go on a 4-month detail to Baltimore. I put in my letter of interest and am waiting to hear back from SSA as to whether or not they have a spot for me.
This could be awesome for several reasons: a)I just need a change of scenery, I believe; and b) one of my girls from college is living in Baltimore at this very moment. Meaning that for the first time since 2002, I'd be living in the same town as her.
But I'm hesitant as well for several reasons that I'm not wanting to go into detail on at this point. Just because it would take too long to cover everything.
So - to go or not to go; That is the question.
(Pending an acceptance from my employer on the letter of interest, of course...)

My Fave Quote of All Time

"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be..."

I've posted this before, but sometimes I just need to read it again...

PawPaw

This was a bit of a tough weekend for me. Family Christmas time, which is normally something I look forward to. However, this year was a bit different.
My grandpa passed away in May. He was 79 years old, and I know I'm so blessed to have had him in my life until I was 29. But he was my person. My very special person who inspired me in so many ways.
I loved his spirit. He was headstrong and bullheaded, and yet he had a gentleness about him that made you feel at ease. He was so tough, and yet he loved life in a way that you don't often see from people. He loved people, and would chat it up with anyone and everyone he came in contact with. And when he laughed, it was for real. He didn't give the little B.S. "appease you" laugh. He laughed from his soul and when he did, his nose would crinkle up in the most unique and oh-so-cute way.
I could go on and on, talking about him.
But the bottom line is that I miss him.
Very much.
Especially right now.

And I just hope he knew how much he inspired me...

Currently Playing on Repeat in My Brain...

INXS - Never Tear Us Apart

Don’t ask me
What you know is true
Don’t have to tell you
I love your precious heart

I, I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

We could live
For a thousand years
But if I hurt you
I’d make wine from your tears

I told you
That we could fly
’cause we all have wings
But some of us don’t know why

I,I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never ever tear us apart


**I do love me some INXS**

Do the Right Thing...

As I was sitting at a red light today, watching a truck zoom through the intersection, an interesting thought occurred to me:
We, as people, generally operate on the assumption that others are going to do the right thing. That truck came blazing through the intersection, assuming that I was going to stop at the red light.
This happens in all aspects of life: we go to work, assuming that our employer's going to pay us. We tell our innermost secrets to others, assuming that the people we tell them to are going to keep those secrets. We even enter relationships with others, thinking that the person we give our heart to is going to treat it well.
But as we get older, we see that people don't always do the right thing.
Sometimes people don't stop at stop lights, sometimes they don't keep our secrets. Sometimes people walk away from relationships for no apparent reason. Sometimes, there's abuse or there's infidelity in relationships.
Over time, some of us stop believing in others; we stop believing in the idea that others are going to do the right thing for us. And maybe this leads to a change in our perceptions. Maybe it leads to a change in our actions. Maybe it leads to total and complete apathy on our parts.
This is just a completely random thought on my part.
But I've always heard that as we get older, we get wiser. People have even gone so far as to tell me that age 30 is the key. That somehow, some way, when we get into our 30's, things are just more clear than they were before. I'm not sure how this is possible though. Does something just click for us? Through some magic act, we have some supreme clarity that we didn't have yesterday? Hard to believe...
And I'm wondering if maybe it's possible that by that time, we've just come to expect the worst in others. And maybe in that, we just aren't as surprised when things go wrong as we get older.
And I really hope that's not the case.
I, myself, am still hoping for that magic day of simple understanding and clarity at some point...

A Blog Posting of Old

I was reading back on my earlier blog entries and came across this story. This was from the days of when I had to work the front window at Social Security. It's a horrid job, and I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore, but there were some interesting people that I came across back in those days, and it made for some fun blog entries:

This one was from people I talked to back in 2005:

I had a conversation with Spiderman today. No lie.
This family of five - two parents, two extremely rowdy boys, and one extremely bratty girl - came in to our office today to get new cards. It turns out that the oldest boy, who was about four years old, had taken it upon himself to glue their old cards to the floor. Very creative, that one.
So as the parents are trying to get out identification for themselves and their three children, the youngest boy, Zack, wanders over to our security guard and starts a conversation. Zack is probably only about two and a half years old, and I can't make out a lot of what he's saying to the guard. However, it's about this time that Zack's mom realizes that her son is all the way across the lobby, talking to a complete stranger. As probably any mom would do, the woman calls to her son, "Come here, Zack." Now Zack is a lively little man, and he seems to be displeased with his mother's command, because he shoots her a look, crosses his arms and says, "I not Zack! I Spiderman!"
The mother, looking a bit humiliated, just sighs and says, "OK, come here Spiderman." She had obviously been through this before.
As he's crossing the lobby, a little old lady who's sitting on the front row starts talking about what a cute little boy Zack is. This is clearly a bad idea because Zack is a boy's boy, and it's my guess that calling him cute really doesn't sit well with him, because this time Zack squares off with the lady and shouts, "I not cute! I SPI-DER-MAN!" This kid was not backing down. Score two for Spiderman.
So as Zack is moving closer and closer, I make a mental note to call him Spiderman. Zack's obviously not afraid of making scenes, and nobody really wants to be called out in public. So I pointedly say, "Hey there, Spiderman." Zack seems temporarily pleased with himself, but it's at this point that his very smug eight-year-old sister looks at me and rolls her eyes. "You know his name's not really Spiderman, silly. It's Zack."
May God bless the parents of those three.

The Best Mistake I Ever Made...

Through the facebook page of an old blogger buddy, Pheebs, I was led to the following website.

http://secretvespers.com/2009/11/23/best-mistake/

And it led me to wonder about what the best mistake was that I ever made.

There's a long list to choose from, for sure.
But it's an interesting thought, yes?

On the Lighter Side...

The other night I went out to eat with a friend. We sit down, order our drinks, start to gaze at the menu when all of a sudden from my right-hand side, I hear "HEEEYY!" I look up, see what appears to be a drunk old man, smile, and return to my menu. But this guy is evidently on a mission not to be ignored. "HEEEYYY!" he shouts over and over, until we look up again. And then when we do, he waves, and goes about his business.
This continues for about 5 minutes, until my friend says, "He's lucky the cops aren't here. He'd be spending the night in jail." And just as he's finishing this sentence, I look up and notice two police officers walking in.
Uh oh. This is NOT good.
They sit down to enjoy their fabulously greasy dinner, and the man calms down for a moment.
"Whew," I think to myself - good thing he noticed them.
We go about our merry way for a few minutes, and all of a sudden, Drunk Drunkerson decides he needs to get up from the table.
He stands up. Takes a step forward, and then a step backward. He sways a bit and sits back down.
Miraculously, the cops don't notice his actions. I'm thinking this guy might just be in the clear, actually.
Then, this evidently-determined-to-go-to-jail man gets back up, and just as I say the words, "Walk straight, dude", he practically does a back flip onto the table behind him, falls over the table and onto the ground, all the while grabbing himself and pointing at the restroom.
This guy was so obvious, he may as well have yelled out, "I'M DRUNK AND I WANT TO GO TO JAIL!"
It was good stuff.

I'm not sure how it happened, but the policemen actually let this guy go after the waiter pleaded on his behalf, telling the cops that the guy's dad was on his way to pick him up.
Had it been me, I'm quite sure I would have been spending the night in the drunk tank. I never get off of things. But this guy - this slurring, intrusive, scene-making, table-knocking, self-grabbing, straight up drunk guy gets off. It was a truly inspirational scene :)

Note to self: when drinking, it's never a bad call to make friends with the waitstaff.

They might just pull through for you on occasion...

Currently Playing on Repeat in My Brain...

Great song: "Angel" by Sara McLaughlin

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Why Do I Do This To Myself??

Yesterday was just a blah day. Had been out the night before. Wasn't feeling all that great throughout the day, and there was this haze/fog that was camped out over the island where I work. Blah.
I get home, and notice that my cable's out (it tends to do this in bad weather because the lines get wet or something). So now I'm sitting at home with no TV, not wanting to go out again, and a great idea pops into my head: "Why not turn on a movie?" Brilliant.
So I'm flipping through my movies and nothing looks good until I get to "The Notebook."
Now why it is that I think that it's a good idea to watch THE SADDEST MOVIE EVER on a grey, already dreary day, I'll never understand. But at the time it seemed like the best idea.
Had I just had the ability to fast forward about two hours and get a visual of a post-Notebook Co, I would have seen a girl practically curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth to comfort herself, makeup streaming down her face, eyes all red and puffy, holding her mouth closed in order to avoid sobbing out loud.
Why do I love that movie so?

Complete Rambling - Thoughts thrown on paper

Wow - so 10 years ago tomorrow is the exact date that I met my ex-husband, Kevin. Hard to believe it's been that long. Hard to truly contemplate how much can happen in 10 years. Hard to see how off-track things can get.

I remember that period of time like it was yesterday. I had just lost a really good friend in the Aggie Bonfire collapse, and was trying to deal with that loss. It seemed like the end of the world. The lowest of the lows.

One thing I've noticed in my life is what I've deemed the super swing trend. I might have the lowest of lows, but they've typically been followed by the highest of highs. That's definitely how I felt when I met Kevin - highest of high. He was young, handsome, funny, and just enough of a bad boy (ha) to make it interesting. I was hooked.

He taught me so much - about loving and laughing, but also about conflict, fighting, and disappointment. And finally about letting go. We definitely chose to learn our lessons the hard way, and in the end, there was too much between us for it to be repaired.

In the divorce/separation, I found something that I didn't know was still there: me. Different than before, yes. More scared in a lot of ways. More outspoken as well. Not necessarily the best combination.

This year has been a tough one, and I'll be glad to see it gone, although I wouldn't change a thing. It's been another year of loss and yet a year of friendships and knowledge gained. It's been another year of letting go, and yet a year to learn who and what's worth holding on to. It's been another year of lessons, all put there for a purpose or a reason, I'm sure. But in the end, another year of love as well. And that's never a bad thing...